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Although sex usually is a source of great pleasure, it can
also be the cause of significant stress between partners.
Even if you feel fulfilled in your sex life, you may worry
about your performance when you hear about what others do
behind closed doors - and how often.
But a fulfilling sexual relationship isn't dependent on frequency
or specific sexual behaviors. Instead it's reliant on whether
the sexual experience makes both you and your partner feel
good without compromising either person's health.
Many people wonder whether their sex
life is "normal." Can you help people understand
the full range of what constitutes "normal" sex?
It's common for people to wonder whether their frequency
and variety of sexual activity are similar to those of other
people. Statistics on sexual behavior can be quite misleading.
For example, a couple might read that the average married
couple has intercourse three times a week. They may not be
aware, however, that this average includes a wide range. The
frequency of intercourse might range from zero for some to
15 or 20 times a week for others. Therefore, even if their
frequency of intercourse is more or less than three times
a week, their behavior is within the range of normal human
experience. The most important consideration isn't whether
their frequency and pattern of sexual activity matches some
average, but whether each partner is satisfied and comfortable
with the sexual relationship.
It's difficult to arrive at a definition of normal sexual
behavior. Cultural attitudes, religious beliefs and the law
may all play a role in defining what is considered normal.
Within these cultural, religious and legal contexts, a couple's
own beliefs are crucial in determining what's "normal"
for them.
Human beings may respond to a wide variety of arousing stimuli.
As long as a sexual fantasy or behavior doesn't lead to emotional
or physical discomfort, conflict in the relationship, or problems
in other aspects of their lives, it shouldn't be a source
of concern.
What questions can partners ask each other to help determine
whether their needs are being met?
The best way is to observe and discuss each other's feelings.
For example, does the anticipation of sexual activity produce
feelings of pleasure, excitement and arousal? Or does it produce
a feeling of pressure, guilt or a sense of obligation? Each
partner can also consider how he or she feels after sexual
activity. Is there a feeling of satisfaction, relaxation and
enjoyment? Or are there feelings of guilt, resentment or anger?
If the anticipation and completion of sexual activity usually
produces positive feelings in both partners, then their sexual
relationship is working for them. If one or both are left
with negative feelings, then there's a problem.
What suggestions do you have for couples
who have significantly different levels of sexual desire?
There are wide differences in the level of sexual interest
and desire among people. Desire also fluctuates for each person
as his or her life circumstances change. If the difference
between levels of sexual desire is small, couples are generally
able to negotiate their activity so that they both feel satisfied.
However, if the disparity in sexual desire is quite large,
it can have a negative impact on the relationship. In these
situations, the partner who has the lower level of desire
often feels pressured to do something that he or she doesn't
feel like doing. In the long run, this can lead to resentment,
anger and a further decline in sexual desire. The partner
with the higher level of desire often begins to feel unloved,
deprived and desperate. Because of the increasing feeling
of deprivation, the person with greater sexual desire might
press for sexual activity even more frequently and more vigorously.
This creates a cycle in which one partner's desire increases
while the other loses all interest.
Strategies for dealing with a large disparity in sexual
desire can be complex and may require the help of a therapist,
especially if the problem has existed for a long time. A therapist
might address the issue by suggesting that the person who
has low interest in sexual intercourse shouldn't be pressured
to participate. The therapist might also say that it's good
for the relationship when the person with the higher level
of desire feels his or her sexual needs are being met adequately.
One strategy for accomplishing both of these conditions involves
the partner with the lower level of desire being willing to
provide sexual satisfaction for the partner in ways that don't
involve sexual intercourse. The use of other techniques can
avoid forcing the partner with the lower interest to experience
sexual arousal when he or she doesn't feel like becoming aroused.
When this approach is used, the partner with the lower level
of desire may get pleasure from pleasing the partner. The
person with the higher level of desire regains the feeling
that the partner does care about his or her sexual satisfaction.
In some couples this leads to an increase in desire in the
partner with the lower level of interest and a reduction in
the pressure for more frequent sexual activity from the partner
with the higher level of desire.
Some couples aren't able to accept such an approach. They
might feel that they shouldn't engage in any sexual activity
unless they're both aroused, or they might feel that sexual
satisfaction from an activity other than intercourse is wrong.
What would you suggest to couples who experience tension
because one partner requests sexual activities that don't
interest or may even repulse the other person?
When a partner's preference for a specific sexual behavior
is a source of conflict, the partners need to use negotiation
skills to arrive at a pattern of behavior that is acceptable
to both. This requires being willing to listen and avoiding
blame and ridicule. It's important to consider whether the
behaviors being requested are harmful.
Although people shouldn't engage in behavior they consider
repulsive, if they're simply uninterested, they might want
to try experimenting with the partner's fantasy or behavior
to further explore their own feelings about it. If a person
decides that he or she doesn't want to participate in the
behavior requested by his or her partner, it's best for the
partner to stop requesting that behavior. If the couple is
unable to come to an agreement on this issue, it might be
worthwhile to consult a psychologist, physician or marriage
counselor to obtain another perspective.
What are the conditions that make it
possible for a person to engage in satisfying sexual behavior?
For a person to become sexually aroused and to function
normally, he or she needs to have a feeling of self-confidence,
freedom from anxiety, the presence of arousing mental and
physical stimulation, and the ability to focus attention on
sexually arousing thoughts or behavior. Anything that interferes
with these conditions can disrupt a sexual encounter. If one
or more of these conditions is routinely absent, an inability
to perform can become a lasting problem.
Self-confidence includes a belief that you'll be able to
perform sexually, a belief that the partner finds you attractive,
and a feeling that the partner has good intentions. If one
of the partners routinely belittles or threatens the other,
such confidence can be undermined.
Any type of anxiety can lead to an episode of sexual failure.
The most common type of anxiety is performance anxiety, in
which the person is afraid that he or she won't be able to
become aroused and function normally. This fear of failure
is self-perpetuating because the anxiety interferes with arousal.
The inability to become aroused then increases the anxiety.
In order to become aroused, people generally need the mental
stimulation of a partner they love or find attractive, combined
with appropriate physical stimulation. The need for direct
physical stimulation increases with age.
In order for stimulation to be arousing, it is necessary
for a person to be able to pay attention to it. If someone
is distracted by thoughts of possible failure or a lack of
self-confidence or has concerns about how the partner is reacting,
this will distract from the arousing sexual activity.
How can people identify whether their
sexual activities or attitudes about sex might be unhealthy?
Unhealthy sexual behaviors generally involve recurrent intense
fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving nonhuman objects,
children or nonconsenting partners, or lead to suffering or
humiliation. Some people can't become aroused unless they
imagine or act out such fantasies. In these situations, consulting
a health care professional is strongly advised.
Infidelity also may lead to very difficult psychological
stresses and, often, a shattering of valued relationships.
And sexual activities that result in a sexually transmitted
disease have a direct impact on physical health.
When should people seek help for a sex-related
problem?
A couple should consider seeking help if they're experiencing
repeated failures in sexual performance or when there's strong
disagreement about sexual practices that they can't resolve.
Performance problems include difficulty getting an erection,
lack of sexual desire, difficulty reaching orgasm, premature
ejaculation or a lack of satisfaction from sexual activity.
Since medical problems can cause sexual dysfunction, the family
physician is a good starting point for discussion of these
problems. A therapist might be needed to explore marital and
psychological issues that could be contributing to the problem.
If you have run into any of these issues you really should
consider looking into couples therapy. You won't know if couples
therapy can help you until you try.
Source: Mayo Clinic
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