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By Leslie Cane
The other day, I received an email from a wife who said that
no matter what she says or does, she can not convince her husband
that their marriage can be made better or can be saved. She
said in part: "I just can't get my husband to understand
and believe that if we were both committed to doing it, we could
improve and even save this marriage. I keep trying to convince
him, but no matter what I say or do, he says that the marriage
just is not workable." I'll tell you how I responded to
this in the following article.
Know That His Perception Is His
Reality: In the email that I just discussed, the wife
gave me all sorts of reasons why she felt that the marriage
was quite workable. She wanted my advice on how to present
these points in a different way so that her husband would
finally believe what she was saying. The truth is, right now
wrapping your message up and tying it with a pretty bow doesn't
matter much if this isn't the message that he's wanting to
hear. He will still tune you out if what you say doesn't confirm
what is his reality.
The things that the wife told me made perfect, rational sense
to me, but this really doesn't matter. What does matter is
that the husband, for whatever reason, was not wavering on
his belief that the marriage was not salvageable. Arguing
this point was unlikely to do any good. So, any message that
was meant to change her husband's mind about this was going
to fall on deaf ears, whether his arguments had any merit
or not. Sometimes, you just have to play the cards you are
dealt rather than asking for a new hand from a reluctant dealer.
This was one of those times.
Validating His Perception, Even
If You Don't Buy It: The easiest way to get someone
to see things your way is to see things their way. In other
words, you have to make concessions to get concessions. Every
one needs to feel heard. And it sure helps if they also feel
validated. You will find that he cooperates much more if he
believes that you can at least see some of his points. Surely,
you can agree on at least a few of his perceptions of the
marriage. It's not too hard to concede that things certainly
aren't great right now. There's no use in denying that. You
differ on if things can be turned around, but you shouldn't
dwell on this either. For now, just concede that he's absolutely
right about the state of the marriage. You're trying to lessen
some of the resistance and a sure way to do this is to stop
resisting yourself. It's easier to swim with the tide than
the struggle against it.
Working
On The Marriage Without His Cooperation (And Without Telling
Him That You're Doing It): If your husband has
made clear that he doesn't think the marriage is remotely
workable, then to keep from delaying what needs to be done,
it's quicker to just accept that you're going to be working
alone, at least for now. Take all of the energy that were
putting into arguing with him or trying to change his mind
and channel that into changing up the dynamics between you.
Here's what your main problems are. Either he doesn't think
that things can be changed or he doesn't, for whatever reason,
want to put in the work that will help to change this. Again,
it's all about his perception. You actually can change his
perception. But, this isn't likely going to come from talking
his ear off or from arguing and debating with him. This is
going to come through actions on your part. And you'll have
better success if you go heavy on the action and light on
the explanations. He's not receptive anyway, so just go about
improving things with out a long explanation.
Using The Advantages That You're
Probably Unaware That You Possess: I know that this
may seem a long way off, but there was once a time when you
were able to expertly make your husband believe that the relationship
was working so well that he wanted to commit to it for the
rest of his life. He was once helplessly in love with you
and you probably didn't meet a lot of his resistance at that
time. So, although it may seem hopeless right now, you do
know the magic formula to this equation because you've already
solved it. Sure, you are not two different people with larger
responsibilities, but at your core, you are the same person
and so is he.
I just can't buy that things have changed so drastically
as to change who either of you are. It's not you (or even
him) who has changed. It's the circumstances that surround
your relationship. These are the things that he finds "unworkable."
It's the stress and the time constraints and the society that
puts family last. But, it is really up to you as to whether
you become very conscious of those stresses that you allow
into your life and into your marriage. It's up to you to set
priorities and to make the time. You did this once, in the
beginning. You listened as much as you talked. You gave as
much as you got. You valued his happiness as much as your
own.
And yes, so he did. And yes, he has work to do too. But right
now, you're the only one who is willing to step up the plate.
So you are the one who must start to make things better. As
what you're doing makes him a bit more happy and fulfilled
he will gradually become more receptive until he's at a point
where he's giving a little also.
It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was
not workable. And he wouldn't lift a finger to help me save
it. I knew that it wasn't over and I refused to give up. But,
for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive
ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my
tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I
was able to not only restore my husband's love, but to save
our marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog
at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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